Pairing: Nicole Kidman/Naomi Watts
Rating: R to be on the safe side.
Disclaimer: Any similarites to actual people are purely coincidental and the events depicted are all fictional.
Nicole's thoughts on the way to the wedding. (Yeah, someone had to do it.)
Somewhat angsty stream of consciousness.
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It should have been raining, but it was not of course.
Nicole was sitting in the limo. Thinking about the wedding, the panic welling up again.
All the people in the church
And there was no going back now, no way.
Fuck, how did I think I'd get through this on one Xanax.
She tried to think about the wedding, how it would be, to prepare, but the panic welled up in her again.
Think of something else
Think of something else...
She thought back the party two nights ago.
She was wearing black which started out as a joke
But sitting there she really felt like she was being led to her own funeral.
So many of her friends were there and she just felt maudlin and immobile.
The last time she was just along for the ride. Now she was the one writing the contracts and planning the whole thing,
She didn't understand how Naomi could be so calm.
She said "Well, it's not my wedding."
She felt and looked like she was being led to her own funeral.
Naomi was dressed up like a parody of a bride with veil and all.
That's when she decided to wear a veil to her wedding. Because it was tacky and wrong.
Naomi looked so happy. She couldn't see why.
She approached her and pulled her out of her miserable seat and made her dance.
That almost made her cheer up a little.
Nicole leaned in and whispered:
"It should have been you.
This should have been real."
She almost whimpered.
"But that's just not the world."
Naomi said: "Let's just try to enjoy tonight, ok?
This isn't so bad."
Sometimes she just didn't understand at all how Naomi could be so sure.
She never faltered in her love and she seemed completely reassured that she wouldn't either. But how could she know. She didn't feel sure herself.
She hated being apart for such long periods of time. But Naomi just took up every time like nothing happened.
And when other people were involved that didn't bother her.
That part she didn't get at all. Sometimes she thought her own love was stronger. But it was almost the opposite. More intense, more brittle.
The night before they went out for drinks with some old friends. She was happy then, laughing, remembering better times. She tried to stay in that for a while but reality snapped back.
The church and the paparazzi, oh God.
After the drinks she and Naomi got one last night together.
It felt like the last night on earth.
She had expected to not sleep at all but jus curl up all night long in one never ending panic attack.
But Naomi caressed her so knowingly, and she came intensely, almost violently.
After that she had slumbered for a few hours before waking up from a panic of confusing flittering dreams.
Since there was no chance of sleeping again they went for along early morning shower.
Naomi stood behind Nicole washing her hair lovingly.
She stopped and for a moment all her self-assurance seemed to drain out of her.
She held her hair and said:
"You'll think of me won't you?"
It was so easy to be reassuring then:
"Oh, you know I will."
Nicole turned around and kissed Naomi lightly on the lips and said again:
"You know it should have been you."
That seemed to make all Naomi's confidence run back into her again and she said:
"It is you. Always."
She replied: "Yes, it is you too. Always."
She thought about Naomi standing at the altar looking back at her.
She started to cry again.
the image so clear in her mind.
She couldn't stop crying, but it didn't matter.
Think of me.
You know I will.
It should have been you.
It is you. Always.
Yes. It is you too.
She smiled a wry, bitter smile and she knew it would look for the entire world like she was crying tears of happiness and stepped out of the car.